Happy Grammy night!
I should not admit this, but it’s after 10pm and I just started watching the end of the Grammy Awards. I planned to have Rocco in bed a little early so I could live-tweet and write Facebook posts about all the outfits, but it just didn’t happen.
He wanted to play sword with his new light-up talking Star Wars toothbrush instead of just brushing his teeth. I got it for him today thinking he would be excited to brush his teeth with a light-up talking toothbrush but I was wrong. He wanted to play with it, but he didn’t want to actually brush his teeth with it. He wanted to sword fight me with it. I would say “lightsaber” instead of “sword,” but I don’t think he even knows what a lightsaber is. We don’t watch Star Wars, he just wanted the toothbrush because it talks and lights up.
Once I got him to settle down I had to do a few things I didn’t get done earlier in the day because I procrastinated. I blame my husband because even though he wasn’t here all day, it was his idea to buy some new puzzles and work on them together. A nice family activity, right? Yes… Until I get absolutely nothing done because I’m consumed with finding all of the straw roof pieces. “Once I do the roof, I’ll get up and take a shower… OK, fine, roof’s done now I have to find all of these fence pieces, then I will get up…” If you are a puzzle do-er, you know how this goes.
We finally went to the grocery store with a list of 7 healthy things to pick up. Kombucha, kefir, kale, apples, broccoli, strawberries, and blueberries. I ended up spending $102 and came home with 3 different varieties of Keebler fudge stripe cookies, 4 Friendly’s sundae cups, and a box of ice cream sandwiches too. Do we call this balance?
Oh, and I got the new lipstick too. I’ve been wearing lipstick and eyeliner more often lately so I wanted a new color.
One of the things I had to do tonight is check my home recording set up. I won’t say I have a “home studio” because a microphone plugged into a box plugged into a laptop is not a studio. I swear half the radio people who say they have a home studio really just have what I have, and they use pillows for soundproofing like I do too, but whatever… Theater of the mind is what we do.
My expensive mic works fine, but I need a second mic and the cheap one I have sounds awful. I could get away with making some tweaks to get 2 bad mics to sound decent, but one good one and one bad one won’t be so easy to mess with. I went on Amazon and bought some new ones recommended by the podcast moms I’ve been fangirling over.
I’m shifting between being anxious about this new thing to being really excited, maybe to the point of having grandiose thoughts about it. I stop myself from too much “big thinking” but then I wonder, why shouldn’t I have big dreams?
I have so much negative self-talk going on and I know it has held me back over the years. Lack of confidence has stopped me from sharing my ideas, volunteering for things, getting on stage, making connections with people, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Where does that come from?
I remember a girl in 7th grade saying to me on the bus one day, “you think you’re so big, but you’re not.” I remember her name, her mean face, and the very nasty way in which she said it to me. Do you think something someone said in 7th grade can still play over in your head, subconsciously, until you’re freaking 40? I haven’t thought about this in a very long time but it crossed my mind the other day as my friend and I were talking about bullying. I wonder if that incident, on top of other things that damaged my self-esteem, is something I still need to get the eff over!
When I think about pursuing my dreams for this new thing and my career in general there is always that feeling that “other people are much better than you” and “you’re not that good” that I have to deal with. There is definitely truth to that thing about not being able to get out of your own damn way!
As for new perspectives, a few months ago I decided to limit the amount of time I spend focused on things that make me angry, upset, frustrated, or otherwise put me in a negative mood. It wasn’t easy considering I like to keep up with current events and there’s a lot of horrible stuff going on in the world, but it had to be done. I unfollowed a lot of news outlets and individuals who post stories about dying children and murder and violence constantly. I removed myself from groups that sucked me into a black hole of reading senseless bickering.
I think our brains are like our bellies… If we feed them crap, they will feel like crap. If we give them good stuff, they will think happy and productive thoughts. It has made a huge difference in my overall mood and stress level.
I have a busy week… Tomorrow morning I’m talking to someone about designing a new website. I need this outlet and I want it back in my life and routine. And if you write or you want to be a guest, I might need you to contribute! Fun!!
Tuesday afternoon I have a follow-up appointment with my doctor. I have some out of whack test results so we’re going to discuss what the next steps are. Nothing serious, just the consequences of my terrible sugar-based diet and getting older. And I may have hyperparathyroid but I need another high calcium result to push that issue. Whole other blog post right there… But if anyone has this (not thyroid, parathyroid, 2 different things), please reach out because I am curious to know what other people have experienced.
Wednesday will be my “get prepared for a very full Thursday and Friday” day. Do you have those days where you know it’s the last bit of free time you’ll get before you have a few jam-packed days so you plan ahead? I’m not a very good planner but I do try to make sure I get things done when my schedule gets full.
Thursday night is my friend’s “Elevate DC” event which I am pumped for. I know a few other people who are going and I’m hoping to meet some more. It’s taken over 3 years but I finally feel like I’ve started to connect with some really great girl friends. So far with this “squad” there is no drama which is nice.. I haven’t always had the best luck.. and since I’m being totally honest, I know that I didn’t always put forth the best vibe so maybe I was attracting it. We live, we learn, we grow. And I’ll tell you more about the event soon…
Friday will be FRI-YAY even though that expression oofs me out.
Thanks for reading!