I think I mentioned in one of my previous posts that I would have to explain why buying new furniture and decorating our place is psychologically challenging for me. Now seems like the perfect time to write about it since I’m feeling major anxiety.
I’ve moved a lot. If you know me or you’ve followed me throughout my career, you already know this. I’ve lived in several cities and within those cities I’ve moved around. I have a fear of settling in to a place and getting too comfortable because every time I let myself feel like I have a “home” I end up having to move.
There are all kinds of reasons why this just sucks. Hanging things means putting holes in the walls and then possibly having to pay to fix them later. Decorating and furnishing a place in general means buying things that might not work in the next place you move to. This has happened to me over and over. I thought I could reuse some white curtains from Rocco’s old room in this place but they were too short for all of the windows here. I could give several other examples but you get my point.
It’s not just the surface level annoyances of moving around though, it’s deeper than that. I’ve been let go from a few jobs so I know it can happen and it’s pretty much always in the back of my mind. You’re never supposed to think it’s from lack of talent or anything you did wrong, but no matter how much confidence you have, getting laid off is a huge ego blow. That being said, I’ve finally reached a point where I feel somewhat secure in this job and like my career is back on a good path…
So getting my home in order and set up the way I’ve wanted it to be seemed like a good next step. I feel like I deserve it. I should be able to enjoy some of the fruits of my labor by coming home to a place I love. I was starting to really despise how we were living. It’s not like we live in a dump or a bad neighborhood, we just hadn’t spent the money or taken the time to make this townhouse into a real home. Now that I’m finally doing it all of those nasty voices in my head are warning me that maybe I shouldn’t be getting too comfortable here…
I am having a really hard time putting all of this into words. I guess it’s because living this way for so long has made me feel like a transient, like I’m not living like a real grown up, and like maybe I don’t deserve it. Sometimes I wish I had chosen a different path and stayed in one place or like I’m not that great at what I do or I would always have my pick of jobs and I’d never have to fear being let go. I know that’s not reality for most people anyway, but it still bothers me. I haven’t really felt like this in a while but maybe the stress of trying to do a lot lately is getting to me.
It’s kind of ridiculous how over the weekend I felt like I’d accomplished so much and I was enjoying my time looking for ideas and picking stuff out… But now I’m just overwhelmed, tired, and anxious that I’m going to regret it.
And get this, while I was sitting at the table a little while ago feeling sorry for myself I see a comment on my video on the radio station Facebook page. Some girl told me that I need to fix my eyebrows because they are distracting! Of all the imperfections on my face she’s picking on my eyebrows? I’ve actually received many random compliments on my eyebrows over the years so it struck me as really odd. I just commented under my own name and asked her if she’s eyebrow shaming me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY EYEBROWS?
Sorry if this is a bummer of a post… My agent gave me a little pep talk today and said “just be you” so that’s what I am doing.
And I totally should have stopped to pick up that bottle of wine I thought about grabbing on the way home…
Thanks for reading!