An Open Letter to Everyone Who Shared that ‘Mark Zuckerburg is Giving Away Millions’ Post

Dear Everyone Who Shared That Ridiculous Post About Mark Zuckerberg Giving Away $4.5 Million,

Are you stupid?

Or just an imbecile?

Maybe you prefer to be referred to as a moron?

Did you really think that Mark Zuckerberg was going to give away $4.5 million to some random person who copied and pasted that status? You really believed that? You believed it so much you were willing to go against all of the smart people telling you it’s a hoax on the off chance he was really going to give you $4.5 million?

I know you recently celebrated a birthday (you were born yesterday) but I hate to break it to you, you had absolutely no chance of receiving anything from Mark Zuckerberg. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Nil. None. Nope. Nothing. You get nothing.

But… It was on “Good Morning America!”

Really? It was? When? Where is the clip? Certainly a segment on a giveaway of this magnitude would be somewhere on YouTube. I looked. It’s not. Did you check? No, no you didn’t. Because you always share dumb sh*t like this with no regard for whether or not it is actually true. This one didn’t even sound remotely plausible, and yet you still shared it.

While I have your attention, let me slip this little nugget of information in. Those “Like this Disney World. page to win a Disney cruise” posts you share are also fake. And yes, I put a “.” in “Disney World.” because every single one of those pages has a “.” in it. Since when do companies put a period after the name of their business page on Facebook? If the far-fetchedness (probably not a word but I’m not addressing the most intelligent of folk here anyway) of winning a Disney cruise because you shared a post isn’t enough to scream “fake,” the “.” in “Disney World.” should be a dead giveaway that the page you want all of your friends to like is anything but legit Disney.

I hope you end up getting one of those emails from Kwalii in Nigeria because I have a hunch you’ll be sending him your bank account number, social security number, mother’s maiden name, name of your first pet, and the street you grew up on so you can claim your $23,000,000,000,000. Yes, why are you wasting your time sharing this Facebook post for a measly $4.5 mil? Run to your email SPAM folder now and get ready to claim the real fortune!

You’re an asshat, you really are.  Please, put the hat that’s on your head on your ass instead because clearly your brain is up there somewhere. Yes I suppose what I’m really trying to say is – you have shitforbrains.

I will take the obscene number of people I saw sharing this foolishness as solid proof of the dumbing down of our society. The idiocy is so bad Time Magazine wrote about it to let everyone know it’s not real.

“But it was on ‘Good Morning America!'”

No, no it wasn’t, see the above paragraph.

Many of the people who shared this are people I don’t really know that well. I have a lot of randoms on my friends list for various reasons, so looking at the positive – it was a good way to weed out some tools I don’t know anyway. A few of them though really got me… Start reading the status of someone I actually know and like… and realize it’s this frigging Zuckerberg thing again and I thought, “OH NO! NOT YOU!” So disappointing.

Seriously, I just can’t even.

I can’t.

No more.

Actually, I do have more. You know what would have been freaking HILARIOUS?? Make up a fake account, call it Mark Zuckerburg, and then send the people on your friends list who shared the status a message telling them THEY WON THE $4.5 MILLION!!!!!!! And yes I know I spelled Zuckerberg wrong but I doubt you can make up an account with his real name… don’t worry, they would never catch on to the incorrect spelling. Again, think about who we’re dealing with here.

Why didn’t I keep track of these idiots instead of unfollowing/unfriending them?

Maybe next time. Because you know it’s only a matter of time before the next “share this if you’re dumb to win a box of rocks” post goes around.

And now, since you’re all about sharing ridiculous crap on Facebook, please share this article. Spread truth and hilarity instead of a super annoying hoax.

Thank you.

PS – If this offends you, I have some ocean front property for sale in Arizona… I’ll cut ya a great deal on it.

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