This will not be fun.
I love that Maya Angelou quote.
So it’s funny my girl Glennon (I say that as if I know her) posted this today… Well, a few years ago Oprah had no idea who she was and now they are all like besties, so you never know – it could happen. We could be friends one day.
Anyway, she posted this today.
— Glennon Doyle Melton (@Momastery) September 13, 2016
Yesterday afternoon as I was driving home thinking about all of the things that continue to weigh on my mind from time to time… Things from my past, “stories” I want to tell, I went over one particular thing that happened to me. I was practically reliving it. I got angry and sad and resentful all over again. It’s something that happened – or rather, something that ended – against my wishes, nearly 10 years ago.
I thought, why do I still hold onto this? Why am I still angry? Why will I really never forgive the person responsible for taking this from me? She even asked for forgiveness, and I still hold a grudge. I wouldn’t say that I dwell on it every day by any means, but sometimes I still think about it and it fires me up!
There’s another incident that happened when I was pregnant with Kyla that still makes me mad and embarrassed. She is now 12. It happened around Christmas of 2003, and it still pisses me off to this day! Someone, actually a group of people, humiliated me on purpose, as a joke, and probably still have no idea how upset it made me… But it was mean and something totally inappropriate and something I just didn’t deserve.
It’s not just the wrongs of others that I hold onto though… I miss friends I’ve lost over time because of my behavior. I don’t think I’ve really screwed anyone over, but I said some pretty harsh things on Facebook that turned people off during the last nasty election cycle and found myself unfriended… or things got so heated I was the one to click that button. And for what? Nothing. Nothing at all.
And I don’t just have dramatic stories of piss and vinegar to share either… I was thinking about a bunch of different stories I could tell that are positive and uplifting and fun…
My new website is going to be finished very soon. I feel like I’ve said this over and over again, and really – who is reading anymore -I used to get up to 30,000 page views a day – over half a million a month – and now I have maybe 100 – but I’m going to do it anyway. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve thought “I need to write about this” or “this would be a great post” and I just haven’t done it. So the website is just about finished, I spoke with the guy who is doing it for me a little while ago, and it’s totally happening.
So which stories should I tell? If you’ve followed me for years, what have you always wondered? If you know me, either well or just as an acquaintance, what do you want to know? You can really ask me anything. Or, tell me what you like that I’ve written and what you think is lame. OK, maybe don’t tell me what you think is lame because I’m sensitive and I might decide “screw it why even bother if Susie didn’t like my post about freezer meals” so just focus on being positive.
Speaking of positive, that’s another thing I’ve wanted to write about in more detail… I know I posted on my page about it a few weeks ago… About how everything is supposed to be all sunshine and roses all the time and no matter what people always want to say “be grateful” and “be thankful” and “there are starving children be happy yours have macaroni and cheese on the table tonight and quit your bitching” but sometimes all that crap makes me feel worse. Like I’m doing something wrong because I am bothered by things – big or small – sometimes. Yes we all need to keep things in perspective and nobody should be Debbie Downer all the time, but all the positivity talk can have the opposite effect.
As for the Maya Angelou quote, I don’t really think I am “agonizing” over anything in particular but I’ve had this nagging feeling like I need to write for a long time – as in years – so I’m about to get on it.
On a completely different note, I actually want to write about the mixed emotions I’ve been having with regard to Ryan Lochte.
Maybe I’ll do that one tomorrow…
Thanks for reading!