Wednesday will be my 39th birthday. I can not believe in a year and 2 days I will be 40. I still do not feel like a grown up. I constantly have to remind myself that I’m not in my 20’s or even my early 30’s anymore. I’m pushing 40! Where did the time go?
I hate the word “adulting” but I think after nearly 2 decades of just barely adulting I’m finally doing a decent job of it. Who made up the word “adulting” anyway? Since when is it a verb? Just another thing that makes me feel old… Words that annoy me because a younger generation made it up.
Sometimes I actually have this bizarre feeling that at some point I’ll be able to turn back time and relive my early adult life and make better choices… Sometimes I feel like I’m still judged on those choices. In fact, I still hold so much of that stuff over my own head I think I should maybe start seeing a therapist again to get over it.
If you follow my page you know I’ve been reading Glennon Doyle Melton’s books. I just recently discovered her and I’m obsessed, maybe not even in the best way. One minute I’m totally inspired and overcome with just how right on she is with everything she says… The next I’m jealous, envious, of how she’s managed to do what she’s done. She writes so beautifully, she connects with people, she’s honest and puts all of her faults out there and she is not judged, she’s embraced.
She talks a lot about her true self and her representative. It makes so much sense, but why is it so hard for us to put our real selves out there? She makes it seem so easy… But the reality is, we can’t just put our true selves out there for everyone to see. We have to keep it together in front of bosses, co-workers, family members, acquaintances. We can not trust everyone.
I am torn by this. I love when I write a post like the one I wrote about having a hard time making friends and people reach out to me… people relate. They feel like they’re not alone. They share their experiences. They tell me I’m not alone and they know they’re not alone. But some of my crap I’m just not ready to put out there but I always feel like I’m hiding something. Like people will somehow figure out what’s really going on. I think I have a warped sense of how people see me… Good and bad… Do we ever really know how we are perceived by others?
When I was younger I thought that by the time I was 30 I would be secure, I wouldn’t screw up, I would have it all figured out. As I’ve gone through my 30’s still kind of a hot mess I thought… Once I’m 40 I’m totally going to have everything in order and I’ll be perfect and my life will be what I want it to be… Yet I’m still not there yet.
Anyway, every day I think about spilling my guts and something comes up… Or I don’t have time… Or I have time to write but I don’t have time to read it over 20 times to perfect it and fix any typos. Or I have so much to say that I can’t pick a point and stick to it. Or I feel like I’m out of practice (I think I’ve said that a bunch of times) so I don’t bother. So this is what I have for today.
I have a busy afternoon/night… Busy day tomorrow.
I’m sore from working out, but I am pretty damn proud of myself for going and fighting through it. I’ll have to write about that in another blog post. Now if only I could resist the junk! I’ve done better, but pumpkin everything all around me is hard, really hard.