I Should Eat A Salad, But I Shoved A Cupcake In My Mouth Instead

If you think to yourself on a daily basis “I should really eat a salad” and then you shove a cupcake in your face, this is the blog post for you!

Don’t get too excited though, I am not going to spew some magical words of wisdom that will make you spontaneously jump off the couch, put down your phone, and get on the treadmill… In fact, this post is all about the very real struggle that is “I hate dieting, and I also hate exercising, but I really need to get off my ass and do it, because I feel like shit.”

I am so fed up with how I feel, how I look, how my clothes fit, and how guilty I feel every freaking day because I haven’t changed my diet or gone to the gym. I think about it every day but I just can not get it together!

I know that compared to the health & body image issues other people face it would appear that I have it easy… But this post is about my struggle and how ridiculous it is that despite only needing to drop about 15lbs and tone up a little, I find it overwhelmingly challenging.

I hate running. I hate sweating. I hate being out of breath. I hate lifting weights. I hate how bad my “form” is and how awkward I am when I try new exercises. I hate how gross I look when I leave the gym. I hate being sore.

I love naps. I love sleeping. I love sitting on my ass on the couch. I do actually love the feeling of accomplishment I get after a good work out, but please see the previous paragraph.

I hate lettuce. I hate apples. I hate kale. I hate almonds. I hate avocados. I hate spinach. I hate salmon. I hate just about everything that’s considered clean and good for me.

I love chocolate. I love spaghetti. I love bread. I love ice cream. I love brownies, cookies, cake, pumpkin scones, and frappuccinos.

I hate being so tired all the time. I hate seeing before & after pictures of people who actually did something about it and feeling bad about myself. I hate stuffing my face and then feeling disgusting and guilty. I hate how often I think about this.

The eat crap, be lazy, feel guilty, but repeat it anyway, struggle is vicious. I know that if I made time to work out I would feel better. I know that if I ate a salad instead of a bag of mini Oreos at work I wouldn’t want to kick my own ass and fall asleep by the time I got home… But I feel so worn out and crappy every day that I just don’t have the energy to start.

I seriously crave bad food the way I would imagine a crack head craves crack. I read all of these articles about how addictive sugar and other foods are and it’s not a joke. We all like to deny that we’re addicted to them, but we are. I know better, but I still cave to the cravings and then crash like druggie coming down from a high. I even have food hangovers sometimes and I know it’s because I ate a toxic amount of sugar and junk the day before. In fact, I probably have food hangovers just about every day because I feel like ass when I wake up every morning!

I have some pretty spectacular excuses for not eating right and for not working out though. For example, I HAVE KIDS! I have a full time job! I have a house to clean! Errands to run! I sit in traffic for hours every day! Everybody else has an abundance of free time to spend at the gym, I am just too busy!

My excuse for not working out on days I can leave work at 3 o’clock: I need to beat some of the traffic and get home to make a healthy dinner for my family.

Here’s how that worked out yesterday: Left work at 3:20pm. Picked Kyla up at 4:30, took her to 7-Eleven to get a free Slurpee. Picked up a pizza, ate too much of it, felt guilty about it. Laid down in my bed, scrolled Facebook for a little while and then fell asleep before 6:30.

So I didn’t go to the gym because I needed to get home to make a healthy dinner for my family but I actually picked up a pizza and passed out before Rick and Rocco even got home.

I suck at life!

What the hell is my problem? Why are so many other women totally motivated to be a#FitMom while I’m just over here wallowing in self-pity and guilt? WTF IS WRONG WITH ME? Why can’t I “just do it” too?

I mean, I did do it… for about 5 months last year… and I felt amazing!

When the radio station moved to a new building with free access to a gym downstairs I started going. I went 3 or 4 days a week before my show (I was still working nights at the time), and after about 4 weeks I started to see results. I won’t say that my diet was perfect by any means, but I definitely ate less and ate better. My pants started to fit, some were even too big. I started to see some definition in my arms. When I sat in traffic for hours on end I didn’t constantly feel annoyed by the seat belt squashing my muffin top. I even tried on a pre-Rocco bikini and thought I looked good! From April until mid-August I was at the gym all the time. A co-worker even asked me if I was training for something because I was there so often.

So what happened?

We went on vacation. Not even kidding, we went out of town for one week, and I never went back to the gym.

How pathetic! Since then I have told myself “next week I’ll go back” over and over again. Every week for over a year now, I have talked myself into going and then I come up with an excuse and tell myself “next week.”

I think about this entirely too much, so why the hell haven’t I just done it?

It has to be all or nothing. I am never going to run a marathon. I am never going to look like Jillian Michaels. I can not commit to going to the gym every day, or even 5 days a week, probably not even 4 days a week, so why bother?

I can not fathom the thought of never eating another slice of pizza again, I will never give up ice cream, some nights I’m going to be too busy to cook and we’ll just go to Chick-Fil-A, so why bother changing my diet at all? I have no willpower anyway, so why try?

I wish I was one of those people who thrived on exercise. I wish I loooooved fresh fruit and vegetables sooooo much. I wish I grew up being sporty and athletic and health-conscious. I wish I could run. I wish I loved working out. I wish I had the motivation some people have… But I am not, and I do not, so I guess I just have to try that much harder.

I just have to suck it up and do it, that’s the only answer. It is actually not easy for anyone… and I am sick of being one of the lazy asses who can’t pull myself out of this rut enough to just go… Sick of looking at myself in the mirror, sucking it in, and thinking “if I just went to the gym I would look so much better in a few months…”

I am sick of feeling sick all the time, like something is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with me, I’m just lazy and addicted to sugar, carbs, and crappy food.

I also think about my mom… she died at 43… so young… I do not want my children to lose me before my time and the way I eat and bum around is eventually going to catch up with me. In fact, sometimes as I’m stuffing my face full of ice cream and cake with extra frosting I wonder how on earth I’ve managed to do this to myself without gaining 100 pounds along with a side of diabetes.

So IN TWO WEEKS, it’s on.

Don’t laugh… I am not going to start today, or tomorrow, or Monday, because we are going on vacation and I am not going to try to commit myself to going to the gym and eating right immediately before I go away. It will not happen and I will just torment myself the entire time. But when we get back, I’m ready.

In two weeks I will post my “before” picture in all it’s chunky glory and then I will start getting my health and fitness act together. I have thought about being that happy, healthy-eating, exercising person for entirely too long. I’ve set other goals in my life and I’ve managed to achieve them and I’m done feeling like a failure when it comes to taking care of my own body.

Who is with me?

***

Please do not try to sell me anything after you read this post. I am not buying. I know that sounds rude, but I have free access to a gym, a fiance who was a personal trainer, and I know what I need to eat and what I need to stop eating. I am not going to buy anything, so please don’t solicit me.

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