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Can’t Get Out Of My Own Damn Way

Do you ever feel like you can’t get out of your own way?

Every night as I’m driving home from work at midnight I think about allllll of the things I am going to accomplish the next day. I’m going to feel great when I get up. Rocco is going to be an angel getting ready for school. He’s not going to fight me when I try to get him dressed. He’s not going to insist on having a Popsicle for breakfast. He’s not going to throw his boot across the table and nearly knock my coffee over. It’s going to be a pleasant morning.

That never happens.

Somehow I manage to get him to school and then on the way home I think “I’m going to ship my packages, pick up the house, make a smoothie, put laundry away, install this new video software and start figuring out how to use it…”

Yeah that was 2 hours ago and do you know what I’ve managed to do?

Make a cup of coffee, reply to an email from my boss, and move my ass from the couch to the chair on the other side of the room.

Is it working nights that does this to me? All day, every day, it’s a countdown to when I have to pick Kyla up, shower, and leave for work. It’s 11:20am, I have 3 hours and 40 minutes. That isn’t enough time to do EVERYTHING I feel like I need to do, so instead… I don’t do much.

Am I just in my own way? Or what? Would it be different if I worked during the day like most people… then I could come home from work, make dinner, get a few things done, and go to bed? Instead of having this countdown clock in my head all day that drives me crazy?

Anyway… that is how I feel this morning. I have all of this crap in my head I want to do/need to do and not enough time to do it all RIGHT NOW so I don’t want to do it. And I am not a list-maker. I make lists and I have to put “stick to this list” as the first thing on it and then I lose the list. I am not a list person.

Right now I want to see if the OJ Simpson show is On Demand. I don’t get to watch TV at night because I’m at work, so I shouldn’t feel bad about lounging around watching it during the day, right? But what about the pile of dishes in the sink, the laundry in the dryer, on the stairs, on the other stairs, and on the floor in my bedroom? It just never ends… and the clock is ticking.

Maybe I need to go see a therapist? Or a life coach? I’m pushing 40 years old, shouldn’t I have my sh*t together by now?