Hey Phil, is that a duck caller in your mouth or are you just happy to see me?

Ok where do I begin?

I guess I should put a DISCLAIMER:  This post is NOT directed at ALL Christians by any means.  I have many, many Christian friends and family members who I love and respect.  I was raised Lutheran and went to Catholic school, and I appreciate people who try to live a good life and practice the positive, loving, kind, helpful, hopeful, peaceful, values taught in the Bible.  The people I have a problem with are the ones running to Phil Robertson’s side to defend his right to be a complete and utter asshole and use the Bible to back it up.

First, let’s get the whole First Amendment/Freedom of Speech thing out of the way.  His First Amendment rights have in no way been violated.  Freedom of Speech is guaranteed under the law, it is not guaranteed as a condition of employment.  He was not fined, cited, jailed, arrested, stoned, or even silenced by any government entity.  He was suspended by his employer as a consequence of his inflammatory remarks.  It was a business decision, it was not a violation of any right under the law.  He is still free to believe and say whatever he wants.

I also should say that I don’t really care whether A&E suspended him or not, I don’t watch the show nor would I have a problem if they took no action after this article was published.

Now, onto the remarks that so many are vehemently defending.

Do you “Christians” really want to be defined by your anti-gay stance and sentiments?  Because quite frankly, that is all I ever see you get passionate about these days.

When the Chik-Fil-A CEO admitted he donates money to organizations that “counsel” homosexuals (people who are in a deep depression because their family/religion tells them that their innermost feelings are WRONG) you came out in droves to patronize that business.  Imagine if you had spent that money on a meal for a hungry person instead of stuffing your own face with a chikin bizkit sandwich?  But it’s cool, I’m sure Jesus would have driven out of his way to hit up the nearest Chik-Fil-A for some nuggets to please his heavenly Father that day too.  Thou shalt eateth mor chik-in.

Then there was the “One Million Moms” group that blasted JC Penney for making Ellen DeGeneres their spokesperson and for putting a lesbian couple in their ads.  And by “One Million” I really mean a couple thousand, but who is counting anyway?  Writing a strongly worded letter to JC Penney for having a woman famous for her clean-cut comedy routine and funky dance moves on television in their advertisements was clearly the best use of the time you set aside to do God’s work and protect children.  Donating clothing or making a meal for a hungry child would have been a complete waste of time, but writing that letter to let JC Penney know they need to remove those fully clothed smiling lesbians from their advertisements was definitely a worthwhile effort in God’s eyes.  Thou shalt writeth letters.

And of course we have Kirk Cameron who claimed he was “crucified” after he told Piers Morgan that homosexuality is “unnatural” and “ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization”.  Thou shalt not naileth Mike Seaver to the cross…  Maybe having a best friend named BONER all those years got to him??

So now some people are flipping out that their “Christian values” are under attack because Phil Robertson was “suspended” from his show on A&E.

I’m sorry but your Christian values are not under attack.  Nobody is criticizing you for feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, healing the sick, or resisting the urge to steal, cheat, lie, or kill.  Nobody has been booted off their television show for donating too many toys to charity, keeping the Sabbath holy, or turning the other cheek.  People are not upset because Phil Robertson or any other Christian likes to read the bible, go to church and pray before dinner.

People are upset because he, like many bigoted Christians have done, took advantage of the opportunity to blast homosexuals and use scripture to back it up.  He was not at any time during that interview directly asked what he thinks of homosexuality.  He was asked “What, in your mind, is sinful?”  He could have brought up any of the seven deadly sins – wrath, greed, gluttony, envy, lust, pride, or sloth.  He could have focused on all of the sins he committed in his past life, before he found God, but he didn’t.

Instead, he said:

Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men,” he says. Then he paraphrases Corinthians: “Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”

START WITH HOMOSEXUAL BEHAVIOR.  Yeah, start with that one… and then bestiality… and adultery… and prostitution.  Yeah, so what’s wrong with that?  It’s just his opinion.  Lumping human beings who happen to fall in love with someone of the same sex (and hurt nobody by doing so) in with ANIMAL RAPISTS, CHEATERS, AND HOOKERS is completely insulting and unacceptable.  It may be his opinion, but it is not a nice one by any means.

He then goes on to say that we don’t judge these people… Whether they are “homosexuals, drunks, terrorists, we let God sort them out.”  So people who happen to be attracted to other people of the same sex will be “sorted out” the same way drunks and TERRORISTS will be?  Really?  Yeah, can’t believe any (sober) gay person reading that after a long day of working (and not blowing up buildings) would possibly be offended.  God will sort him out from the drunkard and the suicide bomber later.

I love how some Christians continue to defend their anti-gay feelings by saying they don’t hate, they just don’t agree… You don’t hate, you just feel the need to every once in a while remind gays and lesbians that you don’t approve of their deviant, unnatural, immoral behavior.  Right, that’s not hate.  It’s just a friendly reminder!

And what is there to disagree with anyway?  You can disagree over who should do the dishes, who makes the best pie, which car is a better value, you can even disagree over who will run the country better, but when it comes to homosexuality there is nothing to disagree with.  You either respect, accept, and grant equal rights to these human beings or you do not, and if you do not, you are by definition being intolerant.  You are not allowing people to be who they are without judgement – by “disagreeing” you are saying there is something “wrong” with them.  There is nothing wrong with being gay any more than there is something wrong with being straight.  It just is what it is.  Brown hair, blue eyes, tall, gay, fair skinned, curly haired, good at math, it is a trait, it is not a choice to be deviant or sinful.

And speaking of choices – are you soooooo much better than homosexuals because you made a choice to be straight?  Are you?  Did you make a choice to refrain from sex until marriage?  Or was your urge to get it on just so strong you couldn’t wait?  Shame on you.  Shame, shame shame shame shame… But as long as it wasn’t gay sex, it’s OK, gay sex can and should be resisted at all costs, as long as the choice you made was to have straight sex before marriage and not gay sex you are good.  Heaven, here you come.  And it’s only the gay sex that leads to bestiality, not the straight sex.  I am just glad that my gay friends, to my knowledge, have not yet had sex with their dogs, even though gay sex, according to the new Christian spokesman Phil Robertson, is a gateway sex act to bestiality.

So really, gays, lebsians, and other people who fully accept them as other human beings just living life and seeking happiness, please stop being offended.  Please don’t blast us for reminding you that your “lifestyle choices” are wrong, it is just our opinion, it is our religious right, our freedom of speech, don’t tell us we can’t feel this way!!!  Don’t crucify, stone, or persecute us, we don’t hate you, we just say this stuff with no regard for your feelings or happiness because it is Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve!!!  Nobody is saying you can’t get married or own property together or adopt a child together or receive health insurance or death benefits on behalf of one another… Oh wait.  Well, we just disagree, we don’t hate you, we just don’t think you should have those things because the book of Corinthians says you won’t inherit the Kingdom of God, so we don’t want you to have any of that good stuff on earth either.

Now let’s got back to Phil’s answer about what sin is, and what modern-day immorality is, because that’s how we got into this whole thing about homosexuals.  Is it REALLY homosexuality that has caused all of the problems the world and specifically this country faces?  Really?  Gay sex has caused poverty, crime, drug abuse, high cancer rates, laziness, a welfare state, a crappy economy, the housing crisis, the job crisis, and rampant twerking?  Seems to me like greed, gluttony, sloth, and lust would be sins at the root of those issues – but let’s just blame the gays!  If only Neil Patrick Harris and Elton John had chosen to be with women!!!

In closing… The most hilarious thing – all of the conservative Christian women who are changing their profile pictures to this dude!!   He just told a magazine that a “vagina is more desirable than an anus” and they are loving that sentiment so much they are making it their almighty profile picture.  You good Christian woman you, with that guy who prefers your vagina to your husband’s anus, as your profile picture.  Way to take a stand and show what a pure-minded woman of God you really are.  I am sure He would “Like” it if He could.  Certainly if asked Jesus would be saying he prefers your vagina to your husband’s anus too.  Make sure you tell your sons and daughters these thoughts on vaginas vs. anuses as well, so they can grow up to be as morally correct as you.

I’m done for now.